you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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