she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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