You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
