You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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