He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just pee around me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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