Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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