R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I am puke
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
