I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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