Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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