i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
