I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
