remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
