I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
