Barsexuality is the new black.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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