the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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