I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
