hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
two words...techno handjob
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
