Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
