I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
