I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
