Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
