Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
