she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
