careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
