I met the friendliest cop last night
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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