i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
