I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
