I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
