Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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