I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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