Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
