Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
