it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
