Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
