I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
