I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
