I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
