break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
