i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
