I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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