I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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