How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
