My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
