how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize