On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
