I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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