i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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