i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize