The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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