i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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