I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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