one two three fourrrrnication!
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
