Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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