I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
