I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
