Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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