I am midnight drunk by noon
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
