i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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