Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
