Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
