That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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