There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
