The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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